Catarsis

At around noon, Lydia and his mom arrived, so I gathered my things and left.

As I was driving, I started to feel off—very tired and sleepy. When I got home, I went straight to bed, but instead of sleeping, I began crying uncontrollably. I realized I had been holding everything in. Friday night was so intense and scary.

I spoke with Lydia on the phone, and that helped. She had a similar reaction. This time she reminded me of what I told her, when she was freaking out. 

I also felt sad and a bit hurt by Miguel, leaving us right in the middle of this crisis. I wrote him an email. I told him I respect his decision, but it feels strange that he chose this moment to cut ties with us. 

I stayed in bed, unable to sleep. My sweet friend J. had sent me a couple of emails; I only read the last one. He apologized for not writing sooner and said he hoped my friend was okay. His sweetness and kindness brought me comfort and helped me put my mind on something else. 

Then I watched something mindless on YouTube to take my mind off everything. Eventually, I fell into a deep sleep.

My sleep was interrupted by a call from Aracely. She was very emotional. The doctors had asked the family to pull the plug on Sergio. In her mind, it was because they didn’t want to deal with him anymore. She also thinks it has something to do with insurance, and she wanted me to contact them to intervene.

I wasn’t in a good state myself, but I tried to talk to her as best as I could. I looked up why doctors would recommend removing life support, because I couldn’t trust my own voice at the moment. I read to her that sometimes it’s to prevent further suffering and allow the patient to pass peacefully. But Aracely still believes in miracles, and she didn’t allow it. She said the doctor got upset with her. And insisted that the insurance intervenes. 

I told her again that insurance has nothing to do with this, that it’s a decision for the family to make. I also reminded her that I am not speaking to her as an insurance professional, my role as their insurance rep ended, this has nothing to do with it. I am just simply trying to be her friend and a voice of support. She understood and thanked me. I told her I know how difficult it has been for her, and wished I’ve could’ve done more to help. She understood and asked me how my friend was doing. I forgot that she called me right when I was in the hospital last week, I picked up her call because I always do, but had to explained why I couldn’t speak to her at that moment.  

I started crying again after the call. I feel for her, and for her child. 

I fell asleep again, listening to some music meditation. I woke up around 8, ate something, and went back to sleep.

All night, I dreamt about being in the hospital, but it’s hard to describe. I remember having my own room there, not as a patient, but as if I lived there and they had changed it. I was also helping a woman clean the covers of some books. She told me that if I found any money, I should give it to her. There was no money, just small packets of sugar.

I feel that JC is still critical, although improving. The main goal now is for him to get out of the ICU.