Sueño

​Estoy en casa,  hay muchísima gente, mi madrastra con mis hermanas, y otras señoras que yo no conozco. 

Estoy caminando con el pincel en la mano, buscando la pintura, porque quiero arreglar un detalle. Pero no logro encontrarla. 

Pienso que quizás se la han robado. Pero trato de no entrar en pánico y sigo buscando más detalladamente por toda la casa. 

Le pregunto a algunos si saben donde está, nadie me responde. 

Comienzo a levantar cosas, buscar por todos lados, debajo de muebles, detrás de puertas etc. 

No la encuentro. Empiezo a desesperarme. 

Entro al cuarto donde está mi madrastra con mis hermanas, les quiero pedir ayuda, pero la voz no me sale, y ellas no me prestan atención. 

Le pregunto a una señora que anda caminando por allí, si ella sabe dónde está mi pintura. La señora me ignora, luego la veo actuando un poco sospechosa. 

En el sueño recuerdo que la pintura es el retrato de su hija. Y quizás por eso se la llevó. 

Quiero confrontar a la señora y preguntarle directamente, pero ella encuentra forma de ignorarme. Todos los que están adentro de la casa me están ignorando. 

Me siento super triste, sola, desanimada.

 Quiero  irme y no regresar jamás. 

Pero en el sueño no tengo la libertad o la edad todavía de irme, y eso me hace sentirme todavía más frustrada. 

Notas de hoy!

-​Lei la historia del Mago Cristiano. Hice muchísimas anotaciones. 

-Manejé a la Mission para reunirme con Doug. Resulta que no había abierto todavía, mientras abría, me di una vuelta por toda el área tomando fotos. Excelente clima! 

-Comenzé una nueva pintura del Alley. Pinte como por dos horas. 

- Maneje a Delano, y allí seguí pintando 

- Tube una conversación con las chicas, de México, les di un tour virtual de todo el estudio. 

-leí otra vez y me tomé el tiempo para responder el email de J. Y entendí algo, que nos parecemos. Compartimos la misma intensidad de observación, y es esa afinidad que tenemos para pensar, para mirar patrones, profundizar y analizar en niveles lo que me atrae. Sus emails me hacen reflexionar, pensar, me inspiran me dan ideas…son super estimulantes. 

- En el camino a casa, he venido pensando, mucho. 

I will not disturb this moment (poem)

Whatever thoughts I had
disappeared
when I watched the day
dance along the highway,
with a naked breast,
wearing the sea
around its neck
like a blue scarf
stitched with silver pearls

It is sunny. It is hot.
It feels like summer!

As I walk, I whistle.
I will not reason.
I will not disturb
this moment.

I will fly,
rise as high 
even if I perish

Soon I will wake
and one more time

realize 
I was just dreaming 

dreamed

within a dream

again

Just Another Day - Brian Eno

Just Another Day

Song by Brian Eno ‧ 2005

Oh, it's just another day
It's just another day on earth

Oh, it's just another day
Just another day
It's just another day on earth

Oh, it's just another day on earth
It's just another day on earth

One day, we will put it all behind
We'll say that was just another time
We'll say that was just another day on earth

We'll say that was just another time
One day, we will put it all behind
We'll say that was just another day on earth

Just another day
It's just another day
Oh, it's just another day on earth

​

Intuition vs Projections

Intuition: a subtle bodily awareness, inner knowing that does not need explanation.

Projection: a mental construction, images and narratives I create to fill in what I do not truly know.  

I use my intuition when I am painting, when I am creating. I rely on my intuition first. The images, the colors, the forms show up later. I follow the inner knowledge, blindly, like I am dancing to music.

Mental projections start happening after I have already begun the work. I start imagining what the result is going to be, how it will look, the colors, the shapes etc. 

The interesting part, something extremely important to note: the mental projection never, ever matches the end result.  I have never created exactly what I saw in my head. Never!

Even with the latest painting I finished, in which I used a photograph as a reference — so I had a clear projected image of the final result — even then, the finished painting does not reflect what I originally saw in my mind.

Intuition is knowledge for the present. Projection is an invented future.

When I am painting, I am constantly balancing intuition with mental chatter. I know perfectly well that my role is to be in control. 

Yesterday, I made a lot of assumptions and projections based on a Teams meeting. The intuition that changes are coming is probably correct, given the restructuring the company is going through.

The projection that I am going to be laid off, though, is an invention. It gave me anxiety. 

Need to take in consideration that, my assumptions were based on 1 hour online meeting, that I am somewhat isolated working from home, and that there is a general, growing anxiety everywhere about the implementation of AI. 

Yesterday, I wrote a statement, certain that i knew what was happening. I need to stop doing that. Nothing is certain, nothing. I need to question my own mental assumptions, my own mental movies. 

Also, just because someone disappears, or I haven’t seen or heard from them for a while, doesn’t mean it has anything to do with something I did or said. I have a tendency to default to that.

From now on: QUESTION, question your mind, question assumptions.  Do not write absolute statements, like the statement I wrote yesterday. 

A meeting has been scheduled for Tuesday, so I’ll find out then what’s going on. In the meantime, I won’t think about it. Tomorrow: I'll go to paint with Doug at his studio. I do miss hanging out with him, miss his  energy, laughing and being rebellious together.  I miss being playful and childlish...

 I will paint, read, go to the gym, take walks or a hike. I will enjoy the whole weekend. 

It promises to be sunny and beautiful!

Sueños

​Estoy en una reunión. Una chica está hablando de su último viaje, y hace mención de que el avión en el que viajo, tenía un “Gelato bar” - Inmediatamente la gente que está allí, pide mas detalles. 

Yo reflexiono en cómo cuando una persona da un detalle innecesario en una conversación sobre algún lujo, o privilegio la gente eso no lo considera “over sharing”.  

Otro sueño mucho más abstracto y difícil de describir, en donde me veía a mi misma en fragmentos, cada fragmento tenía una personalidad diferente. 

On a more positive note...

I posted the painting of the Lady on NextDoor, and it did exactly what I was hoping for: neighbors began providing information about her. Thanks to that post, I now know more about her story.

From what I was able to piece together, she has been sitting there since around the pandemic. She is very clean and keeps her belongings well organized. She used to sleep inside the local library, but people complained because she mumbles to herself and was considered distracting. Neighbors have offered help, food, shelter, and have even called homeless organizations, but apparently she refuses any kind of assistance. She just sits there.

Many neighbors are theorizing about her situation. Someone said they learned from another neighbor that she had a family dispute with her siblings after their mother died, and that they kicked her out. Another person theorizes that she stays there to make them feel guilty. Others think there may be something wrong with her mentally, though they emphasize that she is very clean and well kept. Some say they don’t believe she goes inside anywhere to sleep, as they have seen her sleeping under the awning of a restaurant.

There is a lot of new, speculative information. What is interesting for me is noticing that none of it matches what I originally projected onto her. Many times I feel certain that my theories are correct because the evidence seems to be there, yet I can be very far from the truth.

So right now, I could also be wrong about my job situation. Maybe not. But the point is not to become attached to my projections. Nothing concrete is happening at this moment. This applies not only to this situation, but to many of my assumptions.

There is a difference between intuition and projection. I don’t have the answer to that yet. I want to sit with it on my own and write what I think that difference is, and only later look it up.

Another interesting layer: tonight at book club we discussed Ray Bradbury’s “There Will Come Soft Rains,” and it sparked a conversation about AI. I just realized something about the different ways AI responded to me regarding my job issue versus my personal issue.

When I consulted AI about the personal situation, I described my perception of a conversation from my own unique point of view. I gave details: what I saw, the words that were said, how they were said, the gestures, the tones. I essentially provided a full cinematic projection of what I believed was happening. The AI responded by offering a kind of psychoanalysis of the other person, based entirely on the details I gave it.

However, when I consulted AI about the job issue, I again provided information from my point of view: the clues I picked up on, my coworker’s resistance to sharing information, the recent acquisition of the company, and so on. But this time, the first thing AI did was question my perception. It suggested I might be wrong, explained that corporations tend to follow specific behavioral patterns, and pointed out that I might be vulnerable and that my nervous system could be reacting in panic. It even asked me to breathe and calm down. It was a very different approach from the personal situation.

Ironically, in the personal situation, what I had written turned out to be a misunderstanding—a complete projection. Nothing I thought had happened actually happened. In that case, I could have benefited from a more questioning approach, one that made me doubt my interpretation, just as AI did with the corporate issue.

And now I’m sending all of this stream-of-consciousness writing to AI for edit… haha!