tonight

The weight of the week hit me hard today. I felt utterly exhausted—so much so that I didn’t even bother going for a walk outside.

I realized that being back in this routine was already slowing me down in writing about my day, something I want to keep doing. So I pulled out my laptop and wrote about my art studios instead of going for a walk.

I had been quietly excited and nervous about tonight’s book club. I had chosen a story by J, an anonymous new writer because I thought the story was worth discussing in our club, well written and very mind-bending. But when I saw that only one person had RSVP'd, I began to fear that no one else would show up and started to get anxious. 

Remembered to breath and not project the future, and also remember that any situation can be handle. I really liked the story, the story is brilliant. JC also thought the same. There was no question on my mind I had made the right choice. So that's all I needed to concentrate on.

I didn't get anxious or nervous, actually excited to talk about it with J. To my surprise, a few people showed up, they were also impressed by the story, and they praised the story highly and congratulated J, who  remained shy, humble, and beautiful. 

The meeting was fantastic, better than expected, I was flying high with all kinds of emotions but tried to not be to obnoxious. Tried to hide and censored my feelings. I wanted to keep talking but better be prudent and respectful most of all. 

After the meeting ai wanted to go to bed and fill my head with all kinds of fantasies but thought better not. It could cause a problem. 

I decided to pick up the magazines from the floor and do a little cleaning. But couldn't get it out of my mind, so I had to sit down and write something. I did, in a very stream of consciousness way - to get it out of me the best i could....oh but is going to be hard. Is too sweet, to beautiful, too perfect. 

While I was writing, S let out a shriek, and asked for help, some floss had gotten stuck in his tooth and he needed help removing it. I got up to attend to his… primate needs, trying not to curse under my breath. 

He went to bed, probably scrolling through pictures of big busted ladies… It bothers me little. It bothers me less and less. 

It bothers me more that that lady was so quick to set up a date with J- going out for coffee… like, that’s what I’ve been imagining myself doing but will never there. I feel like crying, like it hurts. I am so happy they love his story so happy of the meeting tonight. If I want to be honest instead of censuring…