Every time I sat down to draw this week, I found myself swept away by deep and profound reflections—epiphanies that offered a new clarity about the mental prisons I've built for myself. I always think I should write these thoughts down so I don’t forget, but the problem is, I always do. It's like being on psychedelics, where everything suddenly makes perfect sense and I can articulate my thoughts with great eloquence. But once the effects wear off, I'm left unable to explain anything. Drawing has the same effect on me.
So here I am on my couch, having finally carved out some time to sit down with my computer and write out those key thoughts and reflections—only to find I can't remember a single one of them.
Instead, I’m going to write about what I do remember... all in a stream-of-consciousness style:
"Thank You, Stars" by Katie Melua was playing in my ears as I walked down the avenue on an unusually sunny day in the Richmond District. I had just left my desk, frustrated by computer issues that were causing delays to my work. I decided to leave it all behind and take a walk—to enjoy the sun and redirect my thoughts to my art plans which are: cleaning the studio, reducing the clutter significantly, and focusing solely on painting.
For the first time in a while, I felt like I was releasing myself from what had been weighing me down. The song seeped into my soul, and suddenly, I felt a deep connection between the lyrics and my surroundings. As I crossed the street, I noticed a woman pulling a large easel out of her apartment. Feeling a sudden urge to connect with a fellow artist, I asked, "Going painting?" She replied, "No, I'm getting rid of it."
She saw my eyes widening and my mouth open in disbelief...she quickly asked: "Do you want it?" Without a second thought, I responded with an enthusiastic, "Yes! Yes, I do!" She mentioned she was planning to donate it to Goodwill, but I told her I'd take it. And just like that, I found myself standing on the corner with a nearly new easel that she no longer needed, but I certainly did.
I needed it because I've made a commitment to return to painting—painting freely and fluidly, without any thoughts of the outside world. I want to paint like I did before I was recognized and invited to shows, before I knew anything. I want to return to that place of not knowing, to that sense of newness.
Meanwhile, back at work, my computer continued to have problems. No matter what the IT guy tried, nothing seemed to work. Finally, he said, "The only solution is to reset it to the original profile. You'll be starting the computer as brand new—that's the only way to fix all these issues."
And maybe that's the message I need—to reset, start fresh, and find my way back to the essence of it all.